Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”
Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”
Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”
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Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.
My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.
Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.
[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.
I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.
Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.
Judge: I’d like to call recess.
Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!
Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.
why tf did we learn state capitals?? when has anyone ever “topeka is the capital of kansas”’d their way out of a real problem
If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.
If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.
I just had a second grader do an impression of his dad, which included the statement, “I was born in 1990 and I had to grow up watching black and white tv because color tv wasn’t invented yet.”
Sir. 😑
Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!
7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”
PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face
BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home
ME: *slips him some money*
BOUNCER: What’s this?
ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you
Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?
me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no
Me as a kid: when I’m an adult I’m gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want
Me as an adult: If I don’t finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die
Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’
Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.
Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody’s going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots.
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
Detective: The robber broke into the Popeye’s but didn’t take any money, in fact no one has seen him leave.
Me *disguised as a cop*: Weird, right? We should put the fried chicken and red beans and rice in my Corolla for protective custody.