Me: trump keeps obfuscating the truth
Wife: i see you learned a new word
Me: i obfuscately did
Wife:
Me: what are we obfuscating for dinner
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Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
<during sex>
Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.
Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars
Therapist: That’s unsettling
Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.
“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”
The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking
Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.
Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.
If Dua Lipa married Ronnie Biggs, divorced him to marry George Melly then divorced him to marry Winnie the Pooh she’d be Dua Biggs Melly Pooh.
No, YOU’RE a child!
Movies lie. I’ve never woken up in the morning with perfectly coiffed hair and pristine makeup. I always look like Sideshow Bob after a hard night of drinking
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.
Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.
In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.
In the 1930s, there was an outbreak of exploding trousers in New Zealand. Farmers had used a herbicide that became explosive when it dried.
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
If you love someone, let them sleep.
I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.
To provide better customer service, we’ve put a chat bot on our site to make sure you’re hung in an infinite loop without solving the problem, buried our phone number, & staffed our phone lines with people who follow a notebook flow chart before dropping your call
–companies
My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any