4-year-old: Can we have Oreos for dinner?
Me: Are you crazy? That’d be terrible for you.
4: Mom’s not home.
Me: *eats Oreos for dinner*
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*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.
When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
You had me at “define legal”.
Breaking news:
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
is this a threat
You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.
I’ll go first…
Bad Boys. 😏
let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
Sometimes I type a ‘C’ when I meant to type an ‘A’. And now I have to apologize to my ‘Aunt’
All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.
Someone asked to share my table at a coffee shop and then asked me to leave the table because they have a meeting??? Am I in an episode of Seinfeld??
What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.
Inspirational Quote Of The Day..
Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE
My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat