Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
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[Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste
[Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK
I can’t believe I got kicked out of chess club. I didn’t realize there were rules, I just thought the pieces fought like action figures. I shouldn’t have brought Wolverine.
“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”
Me: hi 🙂
Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.
There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!
*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*
*orders some*
Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.
Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy
My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”
If there was any question as to what kind of teenager my 7yo will be, last night she pulled out a toy cellphone and started pretend texting during her own bedtime story
We’d never met, or even spoken, but I could tell just from gazing into her pale blue eyes I had stepped on her toe.
I know that we aren’t supposed to self diagnose but I’ve googled all of my
symptoms and I’m fairly sure I’m a raccoon
A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
Me: So you’re allergic to avocados?
Her: Yup…
Me: Like a vampire?
Her: No that’s garlic.
Me: Oh, like a werewolf?
Her: No, those are silver bullets.
Me: Not avocado bullets?
Her: Don’t…
Me:
Her: Don’t do it…
Me: Fired from a…
Her: *sigh*
Me: Glockamole…
Her: I hate you
I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.
I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
If you have an easy firstborn child, don’t feel good about yourself. It’s a trick from Mother Nature so you, fueled by false confidence, reproduce again. Your second will be a no-limit soldier who likes to slap and doesn’t sleep.
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
*pulled over by cop*
Cop: Did you know that your tags are expired?
*tags cop*
Me: You’re it!
Cop:
Me running away: Renewed!
The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…