So society’s *real* key workers have just been revealed.
Not the bankers. Not the traders. Not the elite hedge fund managers.
It’s the nurses. The doctors. The delivery drivers. The carers. The porters. The teachers. The shelf stackers. The check out staff.
#COVID19
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me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me:
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.
I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”
I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.
I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.
one time I saw a doc RUNNING in the hospital and I was like omg what’s the emergency and they were like DIARRHEA and I was like omg who and they were like ME
“You’re great in bed.”
— me, talking to my breakfast
Me: *in fancy men’s clothes shop having just been told he price of the suit I was admiring* “Yes, yes I see… and how much for the hanger?”
This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.
Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.
So I’m still broke, but now also in French.
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
nice challenge
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: why, what have you heard?
Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.
Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
Hi, childless people. I just meticulously peeled the skin off a pickle. Cuz the pickle was “bumpy.”
Enjoy your day. Not de-bumping pickles.
Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’
fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake
me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?
fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.
I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.