day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt
day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt
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me: u ok babe?
babe: oink
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!
*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
If I could sing like Janis Joplin I’d be able to sing my children a lullaby before bed and yell at them to go to bed at the same time.
When I’m older my plan is to mostly talk gibberish then very occasionally turn to a grandchild and say
‘Of course the money is all in that account in Switzerland’.And then start talking gibberish again.
“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.
I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.
my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”
Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.
My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.
I laughed.
…
She stared at me until I paid her.
I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.
Never mind, someone else just got on.
Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.
“That’s what” – She
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.
[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?
You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.
forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
An Ontario woman completed a 40,000 piece puzzle, one of the largest in the world. And she’s VERY pissed no one told her the pandemic is over.
That’s what I call a flat tire