Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
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You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)
A couple of birds are outside fighting. Wait. They’ve quieted down. There’s a third bird. I think he may be their therapist.
I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)
Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
Jason: Honey?
Wife: Mmmm?
Jason: Where is my hockey mask?
W: I washed it. It’s next to your machete
J: Hon, that’s my work mask. If it’s all shiny clean and smells like Gain it just kinda loses something when I’m stalking camp councillors
9am: Nice try, Amazon, I’m not falling for the Prime Day BS again.
9:22am: *Reading reviews for commercial soft-serve ice cream makers*
Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how
The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.
*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*
Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?
Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”
I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.
Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.
[phone call with ex]
Me: you want to hang out tonight?
Ex: sure. When & where?
Me: no, we’re not going. It’s enough just to know you would.
Ghost costume 😂
I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.
Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.
My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume
When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.