How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
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Can we stop trashing couples for meeting on the internet?
For centuries it was like, “my cousin in Idaho knows a farmer looking for a spouse, you should write him a letter,” and then you got married.
Them: life is so unfair sometimes
Me, thinking of how I’ve never been befriended by a wild animal: yeah it really is
named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.
Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.
I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
You’ll be OK
Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.
A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
This all goes a lot faster in the movies.
me:
Game of Thrones fan: man i just got out of a meeting that was a TOTAL Red Wedding. I thought heads were gonna roll like Ned Starks haha. Oh dont i owe you from lunch the other day? A Lannister always pays his debts! Anyway better bundle up out there, winter is coming LOL!!
My husband made me a drink & told me to sit down while he makes dinner & all I can say is, whatever he did wrong, I’m totally fine with it.
PLEASE HELP MY BIOLOGY TEACHER ASKED WHATS THE OPPOSITE OF “DOMINANT” AND I CONFIDENTIALLY ANSWERED “SUBMISSIVE” TO THE WHOLE CLASS
I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.
this is supposed to be an 18 year old
Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.
*Son storms in
‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’
anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?
[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
Parents be like “why aren’t you eating, don’t you like my food?” and after you eat a ton, they’ll say “you look a little chubby, maybe you should eat less.”
Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.
Therapist: How are you feeling?
Me: Rage
Therapist: What is bringing you rage?
Me: My kids, my husband, the sound the refrigerator makes, the endless laundry, zoom calls and the debilitating fear of contracting Covid-19. Oh and I miss Starbucks and the outside world.
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them