Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
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[at the opera]
Date: this is going on forever
Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing
cave of wonders: only one may enter here
aladdin: abu has to wait outside?
cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count
abu: *steals*
cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
me: when the weinermobile goes through the car wash do they take the bun portion off or do they just let it get all soggy
judge: i meant questions about your life sentence
I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.
Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…
ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.
Host: Today on House Flippers, a houseboat
Couple: I heard Dracula killed a bunch of people on this boat?
Host: The important thing is choosing a layout that makes it feel like a home (pause) I’m thinking new cabinets
[police interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Drug dealer.”
“Louder, for the tape.”
[leans in]
“Bug healer. I heal bugs.”
Shopping online and betting on which shipments arrive by the estimated delivery dates because I don’t feel like going to a casino to lose money.
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time
We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered
Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.
I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.
I have diarrhea.
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die
My toddler went down the slide and her performance was amazing flawless really, so I put my hand out for a high five and she ignored me in front of like 10 people and I don’t know how to handle that. It’s been 3 days.
A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
Freddy Kruger: I’ll get you in your sleep!
Me: Good luck with that.
(4am)
Freddy: *yawning* What the hell? Go to sleep already.
Me: Jokes on you. I’m only up to 4th grade on reliving my most embarrassing moments in life.
Freddy: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
When I can’t barge, I careen.
Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.