That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
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My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
Husband; Who was at the door?
Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.
Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?
Me:
Husband:
Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.
I’m gonna wait for my aunt to finish her coffee before I tell her I kinda backed into her car just a little this morning. Seems like the right thing to do.
ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimmewikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO
Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…
I don’t hate kids, I hate sociopathic little assholes raised by yuppie cunts who feel saying “no” will stifle the child’s creativity…
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
Vader: Join the dark side!
Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?
Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.
Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!
One of the things that always makes me laugh about this place is how any time I say “I’m trying to use self-control” people always respond back with “No! Do it! Do iiiiiitttt!” *laughing hard*
Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.
[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat
Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault
Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night
Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here
Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me
Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.
I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.
Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.
“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman
One time I ran into an old friend and she said “omg you haven’t met my baby” and i said “omg I had no idea” and the next day I went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a goddamn cat.
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
Genie: 1st wish
ME: I wish for a pen
G: #2
M: another pen
G: wtf
M: I already lost the 1st pen
G: and ur 3rd
M: ur not going to believe this
The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.
Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.
My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.
At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.