You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out
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read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office
2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.
A new study shows that mussels are changing as the ocean warms. Hopefully they’re changing to be garlic & butter-flavoured.
Movie idea:
A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.
If I was a rock I’d be a pink quartz, polished smooth by my kids’ hands touching me all the time.
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”
#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.
Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*
*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol
I imagine if I had a job doing manual labor, I’d be in great shape.
Then I do 15 minutes of manual labor and reality comes back into focus.
If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
One a scale of 1-10 how much do you care what other people think of you?
Me: (who hasn’t eaten a packet of crisps at work for 2 years because im scared it will be too noisy and people will look at me) I dunno, probably like a 5?
Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe