Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
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The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
Therapist: let’s try guided imagery to help you relax. I’ll play beach sounds, you close your eyes & picture what I’m describing
Me: ok
T: you see seagulls flying in the distance.
there are so many of them & they are getting closer
uh oh they’ve spotted your Doritos
Me: NO
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”
Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?
WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh
Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.
I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying
Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?
Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX
Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.
SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.
PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?
SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.
My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?
Me: Sounds like we had a good run.
Apple is releasing new product information today.
That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.
like u make the diseases or are against them ?
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird
me: ok
[later at the funeral]
me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.