Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
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-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
*fighting with the husband*
He: deal with it!!
Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*
An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.
if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’
ME: you’re acting strange what’s wrong
HER: oh I think I have a stomach bug
ME: ᵀᴱᴸᴸ ᴹᴱ ᴹᴼᴿᴱ ᴮᵁᵀ ᵂᴿᴵᵀᴱ ᴵᵀ ᴰᴼᵂᴺ ˢᴼ ᵀᴴᴱʸ ᴰᴼᴺᵀ ᴴᴱᴬᴿ
My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
[buying groceries]
me: do you think Jeff Bezos’ divorce will impact this place at all?
Whole Foods clerk: nah probably not
[1 year later]
Half Foods clerk: ok so I was wrong
GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now
dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son
Can’t wait to see my CW’s face Monday morning when she asks me how my weekend was, and I tell her I took a bunch of tramadol and fell asleep in the garden with my chickens.
[Murder mystery dinner]
ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.
ME: (from the back of the room) When’s dinner?
Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
alien 1: what’s a typical human life cycle like?
alien 2: 5 years of ignorance, 13-18 years learning trivia, 40 years of labor, and 15 years waiting for death
alien 1: I meant biologically but wow that sounds terrible
Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
When you’re going through boxes and cabinets of dishes, 5 curious cats jumping in and out of everything is a rare treat.
ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit
SON: it’s called homework
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
Barista: Name?
Me: Lotta Sexhaver *wink*
*Time passes*
Barista: Got a latte for Virgin McLiar
My mother: A high forehead is a sign of intelligence.
Me: What does that even mea—
My mother: You have a low forehead.
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”