People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.
You Might Also Like
Me: You guys wanna play house?
Them: Sure
Me, throwing the nearest kid on a gurney: We are gonna need a crash cart in here stat! WE ARE LOSING HIM! And you said you thought it was lupus.
[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.
Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
who called it a toilet and not an IP address
Me: *needs to renew my vehicle registration*
DMV: Yes, we will need your license, registration, proof of insurance, passport, paper straw wrapper, VHS copy of The Sixth Sense, Princess Dianna Beanie Baby and for you to hit the high note in “I Will Always Love You.”
Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.
mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?
cat: *narrows eyes* yes
This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy
[wine and cheese]
HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?
370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We’ll start with the cheese thanks
A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.
*how fights start*
me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident
him: it’s obvious
me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I
Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.
ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows
A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”
ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”
I’m cleaning out the attic if anyone needs a mint condition box and user manual for a cordless phone I donated to Goodwill 13 years ago.
FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
The most avoided species of shark is the Loan
Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
Hot tip for dog owners:
Be on the lookout for “whale eyes.” If your dog has whale eyes, this is BAD SIGN. That is not your dog, it is a whale pretending to be your dog and you are in IMMEDIATE DANGER