What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
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People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.
After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.
Dec. 21st Xmas shopping: guy to other guy, “Does she wear earrings?” Long pause. Other guy, ” I don’t know.”
A fun thing to do is sign your kids up for a class they’re dying to take and then listen to them complain about it for the next 8 weeks.
DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
Good luck with my paper jam, next person.
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
I was musing to someone about the irony of being a surgeon and having a phobia about touching raw meat (especially chicken). I don’t have a problem touching raw human though.
Anyway, thats how I learned people don’t like being referred to as raw human.
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?
May your day taste like creamy soup.
[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
[arrives in heaven]
how’d you die?
me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.
I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all
GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this
CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*
Boeing’s commercial spacecraft will be undergoing its final test flight tonight. Knock on wood, guys! But not too hard, it’s a Boeing
I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich
For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”
If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?
Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.