My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
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Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
“I took care of your clown problem.”
RUMPLESTILTSKIN: I’ll let you keep your first born if you can guess my name in three tries!
ME: Is it Grundletaintskin?
R: *sigh* You already know it, don’t you?
ME: Whatever do you mean, Buttholeshitskin?
(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)
Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.
I call it my trampoline stamp.
Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, I like to walk up, sit on the other side, out of breath, and say “sorry I’m late”.
[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirtInterviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
When your man makes a valid point
My 4yo may have misunderstood the fire safety information, but that hasn’t dampened his enthusiasm and now he’s walking round shouting “Stop Rock and Roll” like some 1980s puritanical parent.
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
Interview
Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Vicar: No
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?
yesterday at the grocery store i saw 2 celebrities singing the imagine song to a shattered bottle of kombucha that fell on the floor
Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.
[1st date]
HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?
ME: OMG SAME
HER: What part’s ur fave?
ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave
Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.
“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”
Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄