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“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“A BETTER STRUCTURE FOR MEASUREMENT OF TIME THAT ISN’T AN ILLUSION CREATED BY MAN”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
…
“shit”
-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”
Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol
I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude
the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.
Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.
Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.
Interviewer:
Me: And neither wears pants
The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero
[taco bell 2am]
*lethally stoned*
me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
cruella deville’s mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had said “i am going to wear robbers”
A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me
Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”
That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.
Unicorn: why can’t you create me again?
God: no one is going to believe a horse has a horn it’s too ridiculous.
Unicorn: I guess you’re right.
[Narwhal swims by]
Unicorn: w-was that a whale with a horn?
God:
Unicorn:
God: technically that’s a tooth.
Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.
After: sit down.
is there anything more psychotic than the self-imposed deadline. why am i bullying myself then in turn standing up to my bully (who is me) by not doing the work i know i want to get done but i refuse to be bullied (by me) so i will purposefully miss the deadline (that is fake)
Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”
*2 weeks later
[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
8yo got mad and retaliated by stomping out of the room and turning the light off on me, so I guess that’s one way to get her to turn the light off when she leaves the room.
WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.
ME: *barely audible* embargo pants
HER: Get out
*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*
[Shark Tank]
INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?
ME: Yep
INVESTOR: And you call it the-
ME: The Bracho, yes
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.