DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!
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I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon
*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*
Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
it is time once again. all hail the thanksgiving tube
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?
Alien: we are here to enslave you
Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?
Alien: I SAID..
Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it
Just a reminder, folks:
ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*
Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.
[on trial for murder]
lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water
me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-
judge: answer the question
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane
*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*
Never forget.
Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
Her: Do you like this outfit?
Him: It’s okay I guess.
What are you doing?Her: Changing.
Him: But we’re gonna be late! I said it was okay!
Men bring a lot of their problems on themselves.
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
When my wife says “Guess what today is.”
ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high
CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk
ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af
CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!
Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho
Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?