Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.
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A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.
You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
There is no “we” in chocolate.
“How old are you?”
Things you say to your third child.
We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us
Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.
I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s
If I worked in a tollbooth, every time someone asked me how my day was going I’d say “IT’S REALLY TAKING A TOLL” and then laugh maniacally.
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
Them: life is so unfair sometimes
Me, thinking of how I’ve never been befriended by a wild animal: yeah it really is
“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat!
“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
🎶99 sheets of TP on the roll
99 sheets of TP,
You take one down,
Make it all brown,
98 sheets of TP on the roll.
98 sheets of TP on-🎶Wife [outside bathroom door]: PLEASE STOP SINGING
30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.
My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.
*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”
How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?
*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees
“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”
This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.
*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood they’ll be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.
Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.