My whole life was a lie.
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With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…
Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.His need for me and only me.
• The cat wants to be fed.
Satan: Welcome to Hell.
Me: Dude! This is a tropical paradise! Bikini clad women. Alcohol as far as the eye can see.
Satan: I know, pretty sweet, right? Now, take this group of toddlers to the beach. For the day. All day. Everyday.
Me: Sonofa….
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly
My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.
Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
People: “I want 2020 to be like the roarin’ twenties!”
Earth: “Alright, infectious disease is spreading.”
People: “No, not like that.”
Earth: “The US stock market is tanking.”
People: “Wait…”
Earth: “LMAO Bars can’t be open anymore.”
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
[at parent-teacher night]
Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, tooMe: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*
My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.
ANGEL: *creates alligator*
ANGEL’S BROTHER: *creates crocodile*A: *creates dolphin*
AB: *creates porpoise*A: *creates llama*
AB: *creates alpaca*A: *creates ostrich*
AB: *creates emu*A: quit copying me
AB: qUiT cOpYiNg mEA: i’m telling god
AB: i’M TeLLiNg gOd
I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
Hello. My name is Ellie & I just got off the bus while listening to King Of Rock & Roll by Prefab Sprout & accidentally said “hot dog” instead of “thank you” to the driver. I must now leave this planet & never return. Farewell.
My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.
My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast