#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
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°at Nike advertising meeting°
I need a slogan for these shoes by the end of the day. I don’t care how it gets done just do it..hold up a sec
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER
Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*
You crazy? Security will hear us
Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?
NOTHING
Security: ALRIGHT
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
How bad is it for Prince Andrew? Under today’s Royal Decree he’s banned from eating Burger King, Dairy Queen or Duke’s Mayo.
Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?
ME: Tear this breadstick open, I think you’re gonna like what’s inside.
GIRLFRIEND: YOU DIDN’T! {breaks it open} It’s just filled with cheese.
ME: Happy 10th anniversary babe.
I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.
My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.
I’m mostly excited to be divorced so I don’t have to eat this weird tomato and shrimp Jello dish at my in-law’s at Christmas.
People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?
Me: sure what time?
Them: 8:30
Me: *laughs in over 40*
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs