After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
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When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
Happy 5 year anniversary to the photo frames sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be hung up “when I get a minute”.
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America
My youngest is like a dog
She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
A variation! I dont like you people who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Its not normal!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
😏😏😏😏😏
🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️
ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.
ARRESTING OFFICER: No.
So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?
” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.Said no one ever.
You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.
“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
Sex so good my Fitbit gave me a trophy.
Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”
[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no
5 kept asking Alexa what time his friend was coming over today. he was getting pissed when she didn’t know the answer.
dude may be able to work a tablet better than me but it’s good to be reassured i’m still smarter.
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
8: What’s this music?
Me: The Ramones, do you like it?
8: No, it sounds too easy to do.
Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.