If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.
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I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
If I had $5 (inflation) every single time an older woman started the “I’m his wife, we’ve been married x amount of years, you can talk to me” fight, I’d have enough money to buy this app and give it it’s old name back.
[first day as lifeguard]
Kid: *waving dramatically*
Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?
[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous
[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.
Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from
~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
Apparently there is a mountain high enough.
When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.
Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.
Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*
If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn’t the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.
I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.
A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.
God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.