Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.
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Friend: How long will it take you to recover from surgery?
Me: That depends on how long my husband is willing to cook, clean, and do the laundry.
People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I’m being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.
Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control
Pigeon open mic night.
Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion
*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids
Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
ppl come over to ur house and are like “can i get myself a glass of water” and ur like “sure” and u look over and they’ve chosen literally the most random glass you’ve ever seen
guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much
[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”
Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?
Me: *defensively* I have been using-
Wife: Not as a coaster
Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink
[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”
Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat
Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!