The cat hair really brings out the notes of fruit and cedar doesn’t it
– Me, if you’re drinking wine at my house
You Might Also Like
Lil Brain – Out of Leads
God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect
Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha
God *creates asteroids*
[at a job fair]
Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?
[Weekend in NYC with my wife]
Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?
Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue
[pretend restaurant]
4-year-old: what do you want ?
me: pizza
4: we don’t have pizza
me: what do you have?
4: nothing
me: I’ll have nothing
4: we don’t have that
me: *throws table* this is bullshit!
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER
Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.
Me quickly texting my 80-something-year-old dad about his 80-something-year-old friend.
‘Hi, dad, just had a lovely chat with your friend, Paul!’
Realising later that I’d actually texted, ‘Hi, dad, just had a love child with your friend, Paul!’
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
*me, at high school prom
Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?
Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to
She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
My son has a hard time waking up in the morning so he downloaded an obnoxious sounding alarm on his phone to ensure he wouldn’t oversleep.
So far the only people awake from it this morning are me, my husband & our neighbors.
[planning heist]
Me: then we access the vault
Guy: I don’t think they have a vault
Me [mocking]: yeah I bet they jus leave the Mcflurrys out
Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.
Me: You have to do your homework.
My kid: OOOHHH! So you’re saying that if I fell into the ocean and a SHARK bit off my LEGS and my BLOOD was shooting EVERYWHERE so I DIED you would STILL make me do my STUPID homework while I was DEAD?
Me: Obviously yes.
I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN
who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”
I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.
At least my masseuse has my back.
My Guy
The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.
I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.
History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994