hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe
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captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*
A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”
I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.
Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
when i was 12 i read lingerie like it’s spelled and everyone started laughing and they were like “haha LINGERIE? it’s *lauwnzhoureigh” and i was like ?? how am i the idiot in this situation? sorry i actually know how to read. sorry i don’t just make up sounds when i see letters.
When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!
Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.
If they tweet about you, establish dominance by retweeting them.
After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”
If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
That moment when your ID badge doesn’t work & you wonder:
Did I get fired?
Can I go back to bed now?
Will my 401k sustain my food addiction?
Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle
“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*
The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them
The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.
A Short Story.
Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.
Boss: Thought she died last month?
Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.
[First Date]
Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.
Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.