I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades
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3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.
Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors
Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!
Me: You should post something on FaceBook.
Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.
Me:
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
Skinny people are easier to get blown around by storms. These 4 donuts are for my safety.
COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.
CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.
Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.
(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire
[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.
Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?
If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.
Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.
They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.
I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.
[TV detective with a photograph walking into any bar]
bartender: *cleaning a glass* yeah I remember that complete stranger, no matter how long ago, how busy we were, or if I even worked here.
Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.
Do not steal food from the science building!