A variation! I dont like you people who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Its not normal!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
😏😏😏😏😏
🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️
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[cavemen, having discovered fire, tentatively placing part of an animal carcass above the flames]
[my mother, suddenly appearing out of a time machine] You know you can do that just as easily in the air fryer.
A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.
*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
[being buttered]
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife
ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years
“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad
*seasons greetings*
*eats greetings*
Bill is short for Billiam
Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.
NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant
I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married
[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]
Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
sick of fancy drinks with simple syrup. if you are gonna charge me $15, i want complicated syrup. this mojito better frame me for murder
Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.
The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.
[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*
The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.
First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.
Top Seven Cereal Brands with Sexual Innuendo:
6. Lucky Charms
5. Cream of Wheat
4. Grape Nuts
3. Trix
2. Honey Smacks
1. Nut ‘n Honey