I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
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Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
You make me want to be a better home and garden.
Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*Mom: what was that?!
God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*
If you honk your horn .2 seconds after the stoplight turns green, I can promise I’m prepared to spend the rest of my life adjusting my seat and my mirrors before driving off.
I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up
cop: you know why i pulled you over
me: …no ?
cop: come on dude
me: maybe i had a few too many–
cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk
me: i–
cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there
Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..
Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
Kid: I can’t find my helmet
Me: it’s right there *pointing to helmet*
Kid: where?
Me: you have to use your eyes. I made them specifically for this purpose.
[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out
i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
I put out peanuts for the birds every morning and they have started bringing me elastic bands. I don’t speak bird, what could this mean, and do I have to eat the elastic bands now?
EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS
Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.
[at symphony concert]
*marimba part begins*
Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?
Coworker: You look angry.
Me: I’m not.
CW: Really angry.
Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE
Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.
Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.
At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over