Me: It’s a beautiful night
Him: What?
Me: It’s a BEAUTIFUL night
Him: What?
Me: *opens trunk* I SAID, IT’S A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT!
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[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment
A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.
Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you’re in the kitchen?
Husband: I’m in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can’t. I’m in France now
W: Bring back croissants
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.
Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
When the nurse calls you to come get your kid 30 minutes after you drop her off at school, is about as Monday as it gets.
What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.
The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*
5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
12
13
14
15
16
17
18
90Me: Nailed it.
*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
{on a hike}
8yo:What kind of flower is that?
Me:Its a wildflower.
8yo: what makes it a wildflower?
Me:the tramp stamp on its lower back.
Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient
Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…
Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?
If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this
Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
me: arch your back it’ll give you more power
guy at the next urinal: what
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.