[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger
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So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.
My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.
My one weakness is indecision.
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
Sombrero is better than nobrero.
I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
The amount of people I know who have disliked me because someone told them to is staggering. Like dude, give me a chance… I’ll give you a reason. I promise.
I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
Strange things: the prequel
Stranger things
2 Stranger 2 Things
Strangest Threengs
Strangfour th4ngs
5tranger Thing5
Stranger Things 6: Tokyo Drift
‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”
March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.
July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.
what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese
Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.
“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
-Revolving Doors
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.
VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}
PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!
CIA AGENT: Get me more water!