My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.
Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.
And now the cops are here…..
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At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
A world war 2 bunker with fake air vent
I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕
*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*
*checks mirror*
Is it working yet?
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
Bread puns are on the rise!
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way
Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection
Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
[Infomercial]
HOST: Wanna learn how to lose up to 15 pounds with one simple trick?!?
AUDIENCE: Yes!
HOST: Here’s how! *rips off his own arm*
Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.
#HatDadJoke
Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
went to the movies and the whole time my 7 year old kept turning in her seat to look behind us. eventually i asked her what was wrong and she explained that the disclaimer before the movie told her to look out for anything suspicious.
Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy
911: 911
me: I think my smoke detector is broken
911: is there smoke?
me: how would I know?
911:
me: 911 how would I know?
Customer: do you sell {item}?
Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in
Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*
“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches
Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*
[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary
Love when people make a point and then bust out the “ever think of that?!” Like no. Almost certainly not. I have 8 thoughts a day and 5 of them are about sandwiches
I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.