My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
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me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea in the history of mankind.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.
Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there
My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
saying “eat the rich”
-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibalsaying “ok boomer”
-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.Her: You mean panic attacks?
Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
When a work project succeeds: “This was a group project. We all contributed and worked hard on it, and we all deserve credit. Yay team!”
When a work project fails: “That was Steve’s idea.”
trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies
My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.
Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.
Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?
Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:
ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol “oH No a bUrGLaR”
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like
Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.