[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
You Might Also Like
Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it鈥檚 bond money.
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.
My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it
If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.
They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can鈥檛 be true because my parents still don鈥檛 like me
I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say
Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable
When people come into my office and complain, I’ve started gently pushing things off my desk while maintaining eye contact. You’d be amazed at how much shorter the conversations are.
Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.
McKay Coppins:
My wife and I got back from voting and found our 5yo in tears that she didn’t get to come. So I took her to the polling place and gave her a little patriotic talk about America and democracy.
On the way back she told me she thought mom had said we went “boating.”
The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 馃槙
Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn鈥檛 have to remember when he parked.
COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
me: i can鈥檛 believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
this is the most cat thing ive ever seen
An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”