Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
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Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.
I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.
How to run faster:
1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start runningYou’re welcome
DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS
Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.
ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—
What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.
Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.
who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.
So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.
Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.
[my first day at the spa]
*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*
Just found out I am the last person on earth who does not own an air fryer. And if you think YOU don’t have an air fryer you do, go look in the kitchen. It’s there right? Yeah, told you.
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn’t spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch
Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!
Love this one 😂🧟
*the doctor leans in & whispers to the baby that was born minutes ago*
your parents are expecting you to keep their turbulent relationship in tact. good luck
[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks
I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.
Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.
Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural
*later on date*
Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo
More Origins
Ant Man: bit by a radioactive ant
Daredevil: bit a radioactive devil (on a dare)
Captain America: bit by a radioactive america
*first time seeing a musical
“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”
[interview]
What’s your greatest weakness?
ME: Probably avoiding tough questions
Can you elaborate on that?
ME: Oh hey look at the time!
Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.
Now picture them holding a pizza box.