Seven Worst Crimes:
7. Theft
6. Over cooking a steak
5. Kidnapping
4. Assault
3. Buying cheap tequila
2. Murder
1. Inspirational tweeting
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It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.
“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”
“Juicy Juice”
“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”
“Juicy. Juice.”
I got invited to an acquaintance’s baby shower, I thought I bought teeth rings, I bought this woman’s baby a freaking dog toy. 🙃
Why is my life so hard?!!
~Me, trying to open a jar .
[first day in the army]
me: hi I like your slacks
him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants
me: ok but I also like your blouse
Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.
Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?
Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends
Lawyer: remember, you took an oath
Me: just one friend
Lawyer: an oath on the Bible
Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom
Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
“super-crunchy” is now a peanut butter you can buy at the store. the new innovation is we stopped making the crunchy peanut butter early
My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with
Me: and then I visited ancient Egypt
1-up Carl: well I’m going next year so it will be even more ancient then
Me: shit
Everyone in “Star Wars”.
Everyone in “The Muppets”.
Everyone in “Game of Thrones”.This is now the first tweet with over 140 characters.
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter:
I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.
*surgeon opens cooler during transplant*
*cooler is full of Gatorade*
“Wait but this means…”
*cut to surgeon’s kids dumping kidney on coach*
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by saying they look tired.
I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.
“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
Mrs goat: I’m pregnant
Mr goat: You’re kidding
Mrs goat: Literally yes
Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.