How do i tell my physiotherapist that this isn’t an old sports injury but that time i did a coyote ugly dance at the bar and slipped off the table
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If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
To increase profits, commercial airlines need to bring back legroom and snacks then start painting the planes really crazy because nobody wants to miss their chance to fly in a giant meatball sub with batwings.
[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
[couples therapy]
Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!
Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.
Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle
Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”
“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
[karate tournament]
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
I have fired anyone at the company who has asked about the loud crying coming from my office
No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey
BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.
Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.
Oops I deleted….
Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU
Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.
Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.
Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?
Me: because you’re a pessimist.
*email from Amazon*
Your package has arrived! To see a picture of the delivery, click HERE
Your front door was faded. For suggested paint colors, click HERE
Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE
We saw you changing clothes. To shop for curtains, click HERE
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.