I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.
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willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen
me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail
willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-
me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed
willy wonka:
me: how did- how could they have prepared
I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.
I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.
Me: *on the toilet*
2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!
Me: I’m downstairs!
2yo: Oh… *runs off*
Me: Why have I not tried that before?
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*
Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.
Spider-cat: No One Home
Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.
Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.
Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty
Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:
1) Death
2) The Pythagorean Theorem
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
the girl i’m seeing is absolutely dune-pilled after i got her to watch part 1 the other night. i told her i have commitment issues and she said “fear is the mind killer.” what have i done
<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
My son thinks declaring “yuck” to every meal I prepare can break me, but he doesn’t realize academic life has hardened me from rejection. So, joke’s on him.
3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday
All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.