Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me
You Might Also Like
What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?
FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone
Didn’t realize my teen was annoyed with me until she ordered a Coke at lunch even though we’re a Pepsi family.
Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.
A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
What the FU..
Wrong car
(I have a master’s degree)
“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…
It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick
Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.
My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.
When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents
ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”
I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.
If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed
Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination
Me: When do you install the lasers?
Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…
Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
A chihuahua is just a barking cat.
[out in public]
12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?
me: [showing him he’s wrong]
12: now you look like an idiot
me: i hate kids man.
[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!