i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
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Terrified to visit my girlfriend’s small town for the holidays because I’m a workaholic from a big city and everyone keeps trying to teach me the true meaning of Christmas.
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.
i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.
I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type
HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.
Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?
ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’
DATING COACH: Show me
*I bite my lip seductively*
DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?
My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
Receives a compliment
Me: no sorry we don’t do that here
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
[first day as doctor]
ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news
PATIENT: what is it
ME: I amputated the wrong hand
ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
#TexasFreeze
Dear Texas:
Best advice I’ve seen… and
Good luck, stay warm & STAY HOME if you can!
I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.
Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.
the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion
I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you
[Justice League Disney Hotel]
Me: can I have some help with my bags?
Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.