No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.
You Might Also Like
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: IT’S-A ME, MARIO!
CHRIS PRATT: IT IS ME, MARIO
DIRECTOR: … better.
Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”
Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”
Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…
GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high fiveME: he bought some dirt
GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok
ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself
Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*
My organs: We strike at dawn.
Me: Any Costco requests?
Husband, who is out of deodorant, toothpaste, and work snacks: Nope, I’m good.
The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.
when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.
I have two selves:
One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.
A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
“Was he better than me?”
“Joe, don’t.”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
[god appears]
“Mary, what the hell?”
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit
Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁
Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature
MY BRAIN: say you like hiking
MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon
#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”