Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?
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Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”
INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.
ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
angel: you died
me: oh no
angel: but at least you lived a good life
me:
angel: helped others
me:
angel: did all u could
me:
angel: *checking clipboard* I’ve got the wrong notes, haven’t I
me: I didn’t wanna interrupt
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
Text from my best friend: Please take your mom with you to the salvage yard when you pick up that part & introduce her as your mechanic
Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.
5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”
Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”
5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”
All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.
*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
[crab overhears the words ‘crab cakes’]
*applauds with tiny crab clawed excitement* oooh cakes for crabs
[crab sees the crab cakes]
oh no. oh god no.
Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*
6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…
BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?
NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-
INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know
My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]
Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.
I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
SENATOR: “Would you agree that it’s bad for Facebook to steal users’ blood and use it to create a clone army?”
ZUCK: “That’s an interesting question that I’ll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?”
I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.
Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.