*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!
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I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.
*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster
Pizza is an emotion right?
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”
Me: Only 12 months to go
sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks
I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
[Robbery]
Sloth Man: I’ll use my powers to make the criminals fall asleep.
*Runs to bank*
*Reaches bank 18 hrs later*
SM: How’d they escape?
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?
I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.
Wait.
Two. I have 2 kids.
Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?
Her:
Me:
Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.
Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat
Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.
Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security
{Jeopardy}
Question: What animal can jump higher than a schoolbus?
Me (lips right on mic): Schoolbuses can’t jump, Alex.
I want to see the look on the burglar’s face when he opens the drawer full of soy sauce packets, wetnaps, & individually wrapped sporks.