Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
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My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.
I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.
*ernest hemingway voice*
My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.
[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
{Thomas Edison prank call}
Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*
Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.
You gotta love a man with a dog’s name and a dog with a man’s name.
“Hi, I’m Cody and this is my dog Steve.”
me: 11 can you come here
11: am i in trouble?
me: …no…but…should you be?
11: no.
me: sus.
HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
HER: Okay.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.
I AM A THREE THOUSAND YEAR OLD SHRUNKEN HEAD AND I DEMAND TO BE REHYDRATED.
[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself
Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]
My son thinks declaring “yuck” to every meal I prepare can break me, but he doesn’t realize academic life has hardened me from rejection. So, joke’s on him.
ME: I have a few openings today and can probably squeeze you in
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: haha nice
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: ugh nothing
If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*
It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.
In Florida, a man on a beer run chased customers with an alligator under his arm. In a related story, there is a bill to change the Florida state flag to a guy buying beer with an alligator under his arm.