Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.
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Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
Loan officer: What’s your social?
Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.
They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.
[answers phone during date]
hi mom, no it’s not a bad time. breeding hips? yeah I’d say so. yes I ate all my salad
I’ve never seen Les Misérables, but it looks like a cool movie about people who sing while working at Urban Outfitters.
When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?
When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.
Signatures are so unserious, just “pinky promise” for adults… write your name in a silly little way on this very important piece of paper so we that we can send you to jail if you do anything wrong
Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
What do whales do on a date?
Net flicks and krill.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Person: “I can’t believe I’ve been sitting for two hours.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Amateur.”
[dark alley]
ME: someone told me that you knew how to fry rice
SHRIMP: [takes long drag from cigarette, murders me]
whoever designed giraffes was extremely high
Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.
[getting pulled over]
ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?
MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me
Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too
It’s wild how many grown adults complain about being in debt. Like, it’s not hard. I have zero debt in my early 30s, all because I’ve worked since I was 16, I don’t spend money on things I don’t need, and my great great grandfather invented doors.