Me: Time to relax and get into bed!
The Internet: Wanna read something upsetting first?
Me: Yes, obviously.
You Might Also Like
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”
I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…
Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack
Therapist: How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows
*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something
[concert parking lot]
SON: Can I have $20 for a shirt?
ME: Hold on. [grabs college kid] Want to buy a gummy? Purple Haze… $20. It’ll blow your mind.
KID: Sure! Here you go. Thanks!
SON: DAD… ARE YOU A DRUG DEALER?!?
ME: No, they’re from Costco. Here, go buy a shirt.
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.
Me: I’ll have the chicken
Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared
Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever
Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..
If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH
Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question
I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.
Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.
[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
I just cleaned my floors. If you need me I’ll be crawling around, picking up every new crumb by hand and grumbling about how my family needs to eat outside for the next 2 days.
[Excavation for dino bones]
DIGGER: Sir, we found something BIG!
DOG PALEONTOLOGIST: *tail wags* Ok go for break [salivating] I’ll finish up
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?
“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?
wife: “no one will remember dont worry”
me: “ok”
[2 mins into my high school reunion]
guy: “yo are you the dude that brought a dog to prom?”
You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.
Never ever tell yourself “my idea isn’t good enough.” The entire premise of Marmaduke is “what if a dog was big” and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years