CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?
ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no
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Products that are really small are like free samples, right?
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*
which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks
veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
A fight or flight situation.
Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher’s walking towards you with “the look” on her face.
Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio
Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard
s
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The guy who answered my call ended it with “Bye, I love you” then immediately called back to apologize.
I told him too late, he’s my boyfriend now.
My current situation
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses
3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed
Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*
Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!
Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
Me: I’ll be ready in 2 minutes!
7: YOU SAID THAT A THOUSAND TRILLION MILLION YEARS AGO!
Looks like neither of us really have a grip on time.
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
How to find out if you old.
(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.
Dispatcher: 911. What’s your emergency?
Me: Help! I’m being held hostage in a downtown office building!
D: By who?
Me: This really angry man! 1460 Maple Avenue. Please hurry! He’s making me DO THINGS!
D: OK. Please stay on the line.
Me: I can’t. My coffee break’s almost over!
WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good