Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.
~Me to me
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If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”
The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.
Dora: what was your favorite part of our journey?
Me: I liked the part where we went over the purple bridge into the candy forest.
Dora: *stares blankly*
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me: *nervous sweating*
Dora: that was my favorite part too!
Me: Oh thank god
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
women will be like ‘i just want to be friends’ and then turn around and use a can opener to open some tuna. idk, I’ve never spoken to a woman, im just trying to post relatable content, am I close
it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.
I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?
“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.
bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”
…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??
Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.
This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.
We like the way Dwight thinks
Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself
Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear
Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff
Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.
Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.
9yo: Can I have McDonald’s for supper?
Me: Let me think about it
9yo: *gives me a hug*
9yo: Did that help?
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.