@XplodingUnicorn LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. 😊💃
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After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.
Wife: What in the hell are you eating?!?!
Me: Soup
W: That’s Queso dip!!
M: Cheese soup
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
Drinking alone last week
– depressing
– antisocial
– i “have a problem”Drinking alone today at 11 am
– conscientious
– courageous
– saving your nana’s life
what kind of cook setting is this??
Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house
(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.
And they do.
And I am.
Do you ever wonder if your parents spoil your kids to get back at you for what you put them through as a teenager? Because I’m totally thinking of doing that.
[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
CASHIER: One ultrathin lubricated condom. That’ll be $3.25
DUCK: Can you put it on my bill?
CASHIER: That’s not where it goes, silly
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
*phone rings*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll leave a message.
*voicemail notification*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll text.
Roadkill is just a goth zoo
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘effusive’
“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”
That is correct. What was your name?
“It’s Siv”
I know lmao [hi5s other judge]
You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage