Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
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“our sushi is very fresh”
i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day
Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest
Met a man named Drew like 3 days ago. We exchanged numbers. This morning I woke up in a group chat, started by his alleged wife, with 8 other women. It’s been comedy and chaos ever since 😂.
Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping
Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house
Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse
Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry
“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”
“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”
One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.
Associate at the genius bar at the apple store: hi, how may i help you?
me, plunking my laptop down on the table: i can’t find the lowercase numbers!
[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing
May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.
Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.
They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.
After he passed, we wanted to honor Uncle Jim’s lifelong passion for recycling. Trust me, this is far less disturbing than the coat hooks at Bill’s house, or that thing in Aunt Janet’s nightstand.
ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired
anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death